When Uncle Sam frowns…..

While writing my previous woe-is-me rant, I was ignorant of the numerous hurdles a dollar dreamer has to jump over to finally make it in the ‘Promised Land’.

After bidding farewell to Mr. Barron, I now find myself writing and replying in ‘Get–me-the-hell-outta-here!’ forums. I chat with guys/gals who sport names like newyorkhereicum, angelfuryinUSA or vegasbaby86. We share a common passion of exchanging trivial information like- ‘how cheap Texas is’ or ‘how expensive LA is’ or ‘how big USA is’. We indulge ourselves in debating who is the most likely to get admitted in which university and why. I am so far away that the line is a dot to me.

It’s the same for everybody else I guess. Every body is as clueless as ever. We pride ourselves of being a product of an Engineer Making Machine that is second only to the Chinese. We leave the safety of our college desks and hide under the ‘workstations’ in the companies who have the audacity to hire us. We sit tight, thanking God for the windfall on the day of the interview, when the interviewer didn’t get a joke and hired you. As the months pass and as our butt cheeks begin to unclench we realize a big con that we are in. We write programs, create websites, design (read copy) machines and invent more efficient toilet sprays to get that gift wrapped box of peanuts. We soon realize where the real paycheck goes- the dollar tax payer. The workstations around start getting replaced by new suckers as the previous occupants are off to do their MS’s, MBA’s, CFA’s and WTF’s. And before you know it, the ‘Acquired Dollar Deficiency Syndrome’ has you.

“….Actually the ADDS is not as harmful as it sounds. Studies have revealed that homo sapiens residing primarily in the Indian Subcontinent have a suppressed gene called ‘$4ever-A’ which remains dormant till a particular age. Experts believe that the males are particularly susceptible to trigger it at an early age. A bad salary hike, lack of job satisfaction or sheer boredom are known causes of trigger. The affected subjects have shown symptoms like- mood swings, excessive use of foreign lingo or consuming copious amounts of alcohol (especially the aerated variety). Females show different symptoms altogether. Females normally have shown excessive……..”
-From an article by Dr. Adhbhut Bhave, published in the Journal of Bullshit, dated 29th September 2004

The 90’s saw the first wave of ADDS. The second wave claimed many more than the first. The third however, has coincided with Lehman Bandhu filing Chapter 11. Some of my best buds were affected and are now in rehab-the US. Getting in is quite easy. Hopping on H1-Bs, applying for post grad, marrying another ADDS victim or jumping over the fence of US-Mexico border are considered the normal ways of entering the rehab. Once in, there are many withdrawal symptoms. The first being the habit of multiplying by a factor of fifty to anything after the sign ‘$’. They say time is the greatest healer. It is. Slowly the victims start using jargon like miles, gallons, cents, central time, credit history or Beyonce.

My college buds and peers who entered the rehab in the most respective way, are currently recovering from a recent epidemic of self-loathing and self-pity. I don’t blame them. No one could have foretold an apparently imminent economic downturn. But my mates are paying for it. Through their overwhelmed noses. One is sleepless in Seattle, one has taken an early summer hibernation in Buffalo, the Miami guy is wondering why his 3 liter car is costing him more lately and the one in Oklahoma is curious to know why the water is so still (you see, he lives in a place called Stillwater). Believe me-I’m not using their misery as fodder for my insatiable appetite of coming up with something witty. Well, maybe a little.

Then Mr. Obama comes into the picture. The crusader who is relentlessly pursuing to pass a bill in the senate that will wipe out ADDS. I hear that the rehab ‘coupons’ will be less this year as the affected victims are….well, too many! Another literal nail in the proverbial coffin. Not good news, definitely.

Most of the times, when the first guy jumps into a dark ditch, the second one calls for help. But here, we have a beeline to be the first guy, and I’m in it.

In my last appointment with the doctor (a friend) I learnt that I have most of the symptoms for the ADDS, except for the foreign lingo thing-need to work on that. I really need to get myself fixed early, coz my friend the doctor-he’s headed off to Alaska this fall.

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22 Comments

Filed under Non Fiction, Opinion

22 responses to “When Uncle Sam frowns…..

  1. oj

    Going to Suffer Acquired Dollar Deficiency Syndrome in the Tennessee!!!

  2. Dude.. absolutely hilarious & best post ever 🙂

    More signs victims of ADDS recovering (which piss me off)
    1) Photos of American football games on FB ( Go Raiders Go )
    2) Barbeque parties ( I made Paneer tikka )
    3) Incessant nostalgia portrayed in FB status msgs ( I miss Maggi, I’d love to have a hot chai )
    4) Use FB 24/7 ( I bolied an egg, I crapped )
    5) Patronising messages to “those left behind”
    6) Marathi girls graduate from salwar kameez to 3/4ths ( or 5/6ths )

    So where can i sign up 😀

    • sanketuk

      hahaha…..yours is funnier than mine…..just wait till the current flock of geese fly off this fall….my updates will flood with albums titled ‘My roomies’, ‘my street’ or ‘my armpit’.

      • Very expressive…i hope to see ur photo in a football stadium cheering some Chick ago city and hoping that everyone comments on the same… 😛

  3. sanketuk

    @ Alok-clever!……I dunno….may be i’ll stand near the cheerleaders

  4. ohh common stop insulting urself

  5. Ninad

    ur a severe case of ADDS…!may the Lord(Mr President…. for u)permits u in …

  6. Ameya(Ojas) Mirikar

    good one 😀
    and an awesome reply by yuri!! 😀 may be he should be writing one himself 🙂

  7. Bhai

    Fuckin basterd . . . You didnt list out the good things we addicted to man. . .great chicks who dont give a baboon’s ass bout anything brown cause some 3rd gen indian motherfuckers and their half assed accent born indian copycats fucked it up for us . . . great cars which we dont get to drive . . .late night shows with leno, conan, letterman, stewart and colbert . . . high speed internet that lets you download loads of porn about the same great ass chicks in college which rejected you for a darker more chocolatey color . . .international racism which plays out the same as casteism in medieval india . . .great titty bars with all the fake titties to look at (i dont like anythin fake which essentially will lead you to deduce that i dont like anything at all) . . . the awesome boredom after spending a lot of time thinking about stuff/shit because of ennui and concluding that nothin can be done bout it . . .
    Man its great in here!!!
    BTW . . . dont wrongly accuse me of having the ADDS symptom. . . i would rather have AIDS . . .atleast i would have fucked around a lot . . . and i dont have no accent unlike some motherfucker in miami . . . and i dont have no family issues like the fuckup in seattle. . .nor the discourtesy of the backstabbing SOB busexual in pittsburgh . . . and nothin like the asskissin snitch thinass bitch in kingsville . . .
    No Sir. . I went incognito for a higher purpose than just out of ADDS . . it was for AA. . he he he

    So long yo all american suckups!!!

    • sanketuk

      My apologies Bhai for not being able to respond quickly… you see around here, high speed internet is not something that can be taken for granted-it is at BSNL’s mercy.

      About the addictions that you took time to mention were not overlooked, but simply not mentioned for the sake of the rare female reader who unwittingly opens my creative cache. I know life is hard out there. And I am contemplating on doing the same!

      While the particular individual from pittsburgh is busy counting carnegie’s melons why don’t you start writing down something-this reply is actually a blog of its own!

      the one about you having AIDS-LOL!…..bhapo 😀

  8. Bhai

    I am a Man of Constant Sorrow hooked on to The Wire !!!

  9. Bhai

    Fuckin basterd yedya. . u didn’t entertain my comments man. . .common man . . all in good faith

  10. Niraj Shah

    Sanket, you have written the blog at a very appropriate time. I hope it can be an eye-opener for all those ADDS victims and be more pragmatic about making a decision of going to the ‘ Promised Land’.
    Liked this line from Friends.
    “I am so far away that the line is a dot to me.”

    Also wake up before September ends.

  11. Satbhai..
    start blogging ASAP

  12. Bhai

    Well when the bear and the wolf come out of hibernation we see blood on white ice

  13. Priyanka

    read many of ur posts, but this one is Awesome!! I am really waiting for u to post “my aptmnt , and my roomie” pics 🙂

  14. Priyanka

    hii sanket, read a few of ur posts, but this one is awesome!! and now am really waiting for You to upload ur “my roomie and my aptmnt pics” 🙂

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