Tag Archives: Fiction

The Last Chapter

The soil is moist. It is sticky. It was crimson a couple of hours ago but now it is black. I see a cockroach making its way through the splinters; trying to avoid patches of the viscous non-flowing fluid to find its rightful edible corpuscle. With a nonchalant poise it moves around in the mess. Stupid thing. Its feeble antennae cannot smell death, but they never miss that elusive scent of a morsel. Ahh! There it is. Nice catch my friend. The overturned jar of frosties just might make your day. Yes, that’s right. Pick it up nice and easy. There you go.


The insect is dead before it knows that my 0.41 Remington slug did its business. It lies there with the other cockroaches that I just murdered. I never miss.

I lift my weary body out of the chair that I had pulled up. My neck hurts. My body hurts. Firing countless rounds a day has taken its toll. Lifting lifeless bodies is no walk in a park either. I ran out of painkillers a long time ago. I don’t need them anymore. Pain is all I have left. It keeps me company when I am stalking my quarries. It has grown on me I must say. A few days more and I’ll be done. I start walking to the next town.

[Intro of  something I’m working on.]


1 Comment

Filed under Absurd, Fiction

A Bullet from my Valentine

It’s not easy to get a girlfriend in Bangalore. It’s even harder to keep one.

She used to work in my office. To put it in a better way-we worked together. She was a developer and I a coder. She was funny, sexy, cool, and confident and I was not. She was on her way up and me-lets just say I wasn’t.

When she agreed to go out with me, everybody showed genuine disbelief. Myself included. I just stood there with a loss of words and came up with something silly like, ‘Cool!’. She had giggled. They always do. But then I made what I call a super awesome comeback and made her giggle a little more and fixed up a date. And that was that.

‘She’s using you man!’, Wilfred had told me when I had broken the news to him. He sat next to me in the office. He loved football and loved Amisha Patel even more. He had an opinion about everybody and everything. He was a gossip queen. And also he lied a lot. “No she’s not. And even if she is, I don’t care”, I had replied with all the annoyance I could summon in two seconds.

But seriously I didn’t care. I really didn’t. Her ex was a finance guy who worked on the seventh floor and had an MBA degree from a shady institute whose name sounded like Sunny or Happy or something cornier. He liberally used double entendre right from the cafeteria to the boardroom. But the guy apparently had a way with numbers and the guys on the tenth floor were happy about it. ‘Mr. Bottomline’ as he was affectionately called by the female staff, had relentless pursued her and she had relented. But they had broken up in six months. Apparently someone from HR too, had relented-much later than her. I knew this because Wilfred knew this. And Wilfred knew everything.

Our first date was like most first dates-uncomfortable, tense and at times embarrassing. For me it was all three. But she didn’t mind. She gave me a two out of five and asked me to promise her that the next one would be better. And I did. And it was. A Shahrukh Khan movie, a stroll in the mall and a dinner in a Punjabi restaurant. Safe. I was in and she was too.

She liked Sidney Sheldon, SRK, Priyanka Chopra and Backsteet Boys. She thought Metallica was a girl. ‘Is she like Madonna?’ she had enquired. Her favourite movie was Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. She liked Forum better than Garuda Mall-‘Its just better’, she had observed. She used words like ‘anyways’ and ‘precisely’ all the time. She always wore a watch on the right hand. She said that she liked me a lot. I believed her.

‘She’s still using you man. She’s gonna go back to whatshisname’, Wilfred had repeated after I had told him that I was planning an expensive date on Valentines Day. He also informed me that Mr. Bottomline had saved the company like a zillion dollars and avoided a major lay-off. The guys on the tenth floor were planning to move him to the eighth. It was that or an extended stay in Europe. That bastard. She really hated him. She always let me know how much she hated him. It was kinda amusing. I used to come up with really funny jokes about him. Funnily, she didn’t find them funny.

‘No she’s not. She told me she was over him on our last date. And besides, why would she care if he’s headed off to Europe. He’s stupid. She told me that. Mr. Bottomline- I wonder why they call him that’

Today morning I woke up with a smile on my face. It was the first time that had happened. I actually had a date on Yash Chopra’s favourite day. I had it all figured out. Right to the minutest detail. I was gonna buy 23 roses- one for each time she had gone out with the formerly worlds-most-eligible-loser. Then I was gonna take her to an expensive restaurant in Indiranagar. It was gonna be perfect.

I had managed to get real Swiss chocolates from a guy I knew in finance. She loved Swiss chocolates. She had told me that. I had bought a new shirt for the date. I did buy 23 roses. Man they were expensive! I even bought a huge bouquet just in case.

She lived in Kormangala. I was supposed to pick her up. It was tricky to make my way through the traffic not messing up the bouquet. Many people offered expletives in Kannada. I returned the favour in Marathi. Couples were already getting comfortable. Not too comfortable though. Some outfits were calling on them in the Lord’s name.

I made it in time to her place. She lived in an apartment complex. Romeos with half of southern India’s flowers were already there picking up there respective Juliets. Understandably there was a rush at the elevator. I resisted the urge to take the stairs. A sweaty and panting version of me wouldn’t exactly be a welcome sight. So I stayed in the queue for the elevator with a dozen other thoughtful individuals. I fought with a guy who had a smaller bouquet than mine. I won.

The elevator was small and stuffy. All the guys were reeking with the Axes and Zataks and Bruts. I felt like throwing up. I made a funny expression at the guy next to me who responded by finding something interesting in the elevator safety manual. Slowly I made it to her floor.

As I got out of the elevator I made my way through the hallway, trying to figure out where to go. For a moment I forgot her surname. Then I remembered. I headed to her apartment. Apartment B-23-C.

She was already at the door. She looked stunning. She was wearing a Punjabi dress for the first time since we had started going out. I had not expected that. Her hair was not tied up. That was a first too. She was wearing pretty earrings. My girlfriend looked beautiful.

She had another bouquet at her feet. It was way bigger than mine. She had a smile on her face that I had never seen before. With her head resting gently on his chest and her hand resting firmly on his bottom, Mr. Bottomline was giving himself the high five and punching the air.

Mr. Bottomline – I get the name now.


Filed under Fiction

Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part II – The Interwhy

Candidate: May I come in Sir?

Interviewer: Yes. Please Mr.….?

Candidate: Bhave. Adbhut Bhave.

Interviewer: Yes Mr. Bhave. Please take a seat. I am Sanjeev Pinto.

Candidate: (seated)

Interviewer: So, Mr. Bhave, as I understand you are here for the interview.

Candidate: That is correct Sir.

Interviewer: Well guess what? I am here for the interview too!


Candidate: (delayed forced laughter)

Interviewer: (acknowledging) I see you are wearing an orange T-shirt to an interview. Do you think it is appropriate?

Candidate: Sir the red one was wet.

Interviewer: I see. (hint of surprise) Before we proceed I’d like to inform you that I’ll be taking your technical, personal and HR interview.

Candidate: Right Sir.

Interviewer: To begin with, tell me something about yourself Adbhut.

Candidate: Yes Sir. I am 20 years old. I am currently doing my 3rd year in Chemical Engineering from VIT, Pune. Pune is my hometown. I love Pune. I like watching movies, listening to music and studying….

Interviewer: You like to study? (going through the mark sheets)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Oh…I see. Please continue.

Candidate: I like traveling; I like cycling, playing tabla, watching movies…music……movies.

Interviewer: That’s good. I guess you watch a lot of movies.

Candidate: I do Sir!

Interviewer: So, what is your favourite subject?

Candidate: I like drama mostly. I’m a big fan of Sam Mendes, Innaritu, Guillermo del Toro. I hate the Yash Chopra tearjerkers.

Interviewer: I was asking about studies.

Candidate: Oh! Yes. I like Math, Chemistry. I love Fluid Dynamics a lot.

Interviewer: I see. Haven’t you flunked in all of them?

Candidate: Not all Sir! Fluid Mechanics is still in revaluation.

Interviewer: Why do you love FM so much?

Candidate: I love fluids Sir. A lot. Tea, coffee, water, Coke, beer….

Interviewer: I see. Since you like the subject so much, would you mind if I ask you a couple of questions on the it?

Candidate: No Sir. Not at all.

Interviewer: What is ‘The Bernoulli Principle’?

Candidate: Sir the Bernoulli Principle states that if the lead actor in a movie is above fifty-five years of age, the lead actress should be less than half of that for the film to succeed at the box office.

Interviewer: What?

Candidate: The Bernoulli Principle Sir. Christoph Bernoulli. The famous German screenwriter.

Interviewer: My question was related to Chemical Engineering Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! That one….it has something to do with water, two drums and a pipe, Sir.

Interviewer: You don’t know The Bernoulli Principle?

Candidate: I do know it Sir. Just not well enough to put it in words.

Interviewer: What is the unit of viscosity?

Candidate: I definitely don’t know that one Sir.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling on paper) What was the other subject you liked? Chemistry was it?

Candidate: Yes Sir. I like it a lot.

Interviewer: What is the fifth element?

Candidate: The Fifth Element is a sci-fi romantic thriller starring Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich in the lead roles. Although the movie was a top grosser it was highly criticized. The Bernoulli Principle is not applicable to this film Sir. Bruce Willis was underage.

Interviewer: I was talking about the periodic table Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! Hydrogen, Helium, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Sodium…..Sodium Sir!

Interviewer: I see. Which are the heavy metals?

Candidate: Black Sabbath and Metallica. Period.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling away) Now, we’ll proceed with the PI and HR Interview.

Candidate: Ok Sir.

Interviewer: What are your expectations from InfySOS?

Candidate: Well….I believe that my job with InfySOS should be a welcome experience. I really want to work for a company as great as yours.

Interviewer: Wow that is a good answer. What according to you is your greatest strength?

Candidate: I can down three pints of beer in less than two minutes.

Interviewer: What? No…I mean work wise.

Candidate: Oh!..Sorry Sir! My greatest strength would be C programming.

Interviewer: Well that is good. I see you have certificates to prove it (going through them)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Now, consider this situation- Your friend is in love with a girl who lets say is rather promiscuous. And he intends to marry her. What will you do? Will you make your friend realize her flaws?

Candidate: Mmmm…..Sir is the lady in question very pretty?

Interviewer: What !?..Why?

Candidate: No Sir….If she is not that hot-I mean pretty, then I can show him an even hotter-I mean prettier girl, and make him fall in love with her.

Interviewer: Yes she is hot-I mean pretty.

Candidate: Then Mmmm….Sir, is she related to any of our other friends?

Interviewer: Why?

Candidate: Then the situation would be really complicated, Sir.

Interviewer: NO.

Candidate: In that case I’ll directly go to her and ask her to back off.

Interviewer: Ok. That’s mighty thoughtful of you. Well…..that I think concludes the interview. Do you have any questions for me? (scribbling)

Candidate: Yes Sir. I do. In the company’s name of InfySOS, SOS stands for ‘Save Our Souls’ right? The other guys were kinda arguing about it.

Interviewer: (stops scribbling) No Mr. Bhave. It stands for Software Outsourcing Solutions.

Candidate: Oh Ok. I did feel one of the S’s stood for software.

Interviewer: Well…..It was nice meeting you Mr. Bhave. (shaking hands) The results will be out in an hour.

Candidate: Sir, if I may ask, what are the chances of me getting this job?

Interviewer: I would say the chances are good Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Really?!?

Interviewer: Nah….Just Kidding…..Please close the door behind you.

(A follow-up to Part I)


Filed under Fiction

Love thy Neighbour?……Still?

                                                                                                            4th March, 2009

Dear God,

I am a boy studying in the fourth standard in New Dawn High school. I am writing this letter to You in order to complain what Pittu did to Sonu yesterday. Sonu is a little girl who lives in our building and Pittu is my next-door neighbour. Yesterday Pittu invited sweet little Sonu to his home to play and made her cry. He also hit her.

Pittu and I study in the same class. He is a very bad boy. He is not good in studies, sports and also has no friends in school. He teases everybody, makes faces at everybody and always fights with me. He calls me bad names. He steals from Khanna Uncles garden. But still his parents don’t scold him. He is like that only.

My father had told me that he and Pittu’s father had had a fight when I was small. His father wants our parking space even if they don’t have a car. I had asked Pittu about this, but he called me bad names. Why is he like this?

Also three months ago when I and my family were out for dinner, Pittu had come to my backyard garden and destroyed so many plants. He tore down all the branches. He also uprooted the Mango Tree that my grandpa had planted when I was born. I had cried that day. I have cried so many times after that night. I don’t like to cry because I am a boy. But I don’t want to fight him. Every time I fight with him my grades drop. My mother scolds me. But I hate him.

Every year for Christmas, Santa Claus gives so many gifts like toys, chocolates and clothes. All I get is the same Dairy Milk chocolate. Sometimes I wish bad things should happen to him. He should get really hurt. After what he did to poor Sonu, he should be in a hospital for a month. And fail in all subjects. I don’t want to wish all those things. But I do. Does that make me a bad person?

Please help me. I pray to you everyday without fail. Or my mother scolds me.

Yours faithfully,



P.S: Please don’t let Pittu ruin my birthday this August.


(Hint:Pittu=Pakistan, Sonu=Srilanka,Santa Claus= US, Bharath=?)

(On 3rd March 2009, something happened. This is related to it.)


Filed under Patriotic

Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part I – Shove me the Money

It: Welcome to CBSH. If you think you can speak in English Press ‘1’. If you are not sure then Press ‘2’. If you are sure that you cant, then press any of the other numbers.

Me: (press 1).

It: If you are a victim of our credit card franchise Press ‘1’. If you are a victim of our banking franchise Press ‘2’.If you want to learn about our other schemes Press ‘3’. If you want to know whether you are a victim yet (status enquiry) Press ‘4’.

Me: (press 1)

It: If you are still having fun then Press ‘1’. If you are slightly bored then Press ‘2’. If you are really bored then Press ‘3’. If you are really really bored then Press ‘9’ to talk to one of our helpline executives.

Me: (press 9).

Please wait till I transfer your call to….

It: Hello Sir. My name is Sivanna. How may I assist you?

Me: Yes. I made my credit card payment on time,  still you guys charged a late fee for it.

It: Ok Sir, before we proceed, may I have your Credit card number.


It: I’ll reepeet Sir- XXXA XXXB XXXC XXXX.


It: Yes Sir. Sorry for that Sir. Am I talking to Mr. Sankeeeet Kulkarni?

Me: Yes you are.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet before we proceed I’ll just do a security check.

Me: Ok.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your date of birth.

Me: 12/12/1985

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your baniyan size.

Me: 95.

It: Are you sure Mr. Sankeeeet? Because our database entry does not match that.

Me: What? Then what size matches with your database entry.

It: I’m sorry Mr. Sankeeeet, but I’m not at the liberty to tell that.

Me: Try 90.

It: Yes that is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now could you tell me your neighbours’ maiden name?

Me: Which one?

It: Which what Mr. Sankeeeet ?

Me: I have four neighbours.

It: Any name will do Mr. Sankeeeet. We have all their names.

Me: How about Mrs Kadambari Shete?

It: That’s correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now, when did you pay your bill Sir?

Me: I paid my January’s bill seven days in advance.

It: (Delayed reply) Yes Sir,  your January’s bill was Rs 666.

Me: I know that! I paid the bill.

It: I am glad to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Why the hell am I being charged a late fee?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to my colleague in Billing.

Me: Then who are yo……

(A musical busy tone which will make Mozart shoot Beethoven before hanging himself )

It: Thank you for waiting Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Namiththa. How can I help you?

Me: I don’t know. How can you help me?

It: Hello?

Me: Yes. I was enquiring about an unjust late fee charged by you guys.

It: Ok Sir. Before we proceed I will require the complaint number Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: What complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet a complaint number is required to raise this issue with the billing department.

Me: Then what department do you work in?

It: I work in the Billing Complaints department.

Me: Then give me a complaint number.

It: Mr. Sankeeeet you don’t have the complaint number yet?

Me: No.

It: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet, but you will have to call the Complaints Department to get a complaint number.

Me: So I have to complain to get a complaint number.

It: Exactly Sir! I mean you have to follow the regular work procedure.

Me: Why can’t you give me a complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet because the Billing Complaints Department deals with billing complaints while Complaints department deals with complaints in billing.

Me: How are they different?

It: What?

Me: Never mind. So how do I get the number?

It: Please hold the line till I transfer your call to Complaints Section.

Me: Wait a sec…….

(I wish I was Mozart)

It: Thank you for holding the line Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Anand. How can I help you?

Me: Why thank God you asked me! I needed a complaint number.

It: Most certainly Mr. Sankeeeet. But before we proceed I will have to do a security check.





It: Mrs Kadambari Shete is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Well, I paid my January bill seven days in advance. Which clearly was a mistake. And I was punished for it. Then I made another mistake today by calling you guys. So I really have no idea how you can help me.


Me: Hello?

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. I was just entering your complaint.

Me: I need a complaint number.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. Your complaint number is IM2STUPID4U. Please write that down.

Me: I am too stupid for you?

It: That is correct Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: Now what do I do with it?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to Billing Complaints.

Me: I’ll be glad too…..




Filed under Fiction