Tag Archives: stupid

Elegy of a Dreamer

They say a fool is born when another ceases to be

I wonder who departed when I started to see.

This puzzling thought, might seem out of place

But then again, I blabber, with my own shameless grace.

This rhyming sucks coz I am no elegist

Its meaning I barely know or at least the gist.

But I guess it’s justified when a quietly desperate man

Wants to dream about HER, as much as he can.

You see this dreaming takes most of my time

On the roadside, in a rickshaw or even under a stop sign

I find a pretty face and let the reverie take me

To a far off place right next to Tristan and his eternal biwi (Isolde!)

I picture a Kodak moment with every pretty face

Coz it’s the only thing I can do other than tie my shoe lace

Behind every photo I write a fantastic story

But it’s all in my head with no reward and glory.

The story always changes but the plot remains the same

As if all too many photos are displayed in a single frame

My brain tells me the logic, my aortic pump the emotion

But my eyes see the chance I have, with every infatuation.

I dream of the jokes I’ve told too many times

The way she would laugh hearing the stale punch line

I dream of the conversations that would never seem to ensue

The way I would be besotted, regardless of my milieu.

A fool’s hope they say is a fool’s hope after all

But this hope of getting it right makes my skin crawl

This possible humbug may be humbug after all

But my emotions you see, are all over the wall

And yet when I notice another attractive visage

My programmed brain tells me the tactic, the game and her age

On my way to Tristan’s, I chuckle and realize

The girl changes but the fantasy remains the same

The girl changes the fantasy remains the same.

XX

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The Bored and the Beautiful

The wind blew her smooth hair astray

Quickly she sorted it with a mood grey

Glancing gently at her slim mirror

‘If only,’ she wished, ‘ I could be a little slimmer!’.

For she was beautiful, but she was bored

With an arrogance even bigger than a giant toad

As the passers-by leered and whistled

A country bumpkin asked her, “What’s the time?”.

Mortified, she replied in a manner crude

Just like a noble priest at a brothel would

Flicking her hair with one hand she said

“Don’t talk to me you farmer-Ted!”.

Undeterred by the lady’s harsh demeanor

He smiled stupidly and scratched his ear

Bold as he was, he lamely said

“Can’t you just show me your watch instead!”.

Becoming crimson with pique and irritation

She turned her watch in his direction

Perusing the timepiece he looked up and chimed

“I’m sorry I can’t read, please tell me what’s the time”

XX

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Kyon ki aadmi bhi kabhi bandar tha….

‘Main tumhare bachche ki maa banne wali hu’

‘…..fir hum uske jahidat ke mallik ban jayenge’

‘Bahu – Yeh lo ghar ki tijori ki chawi’

Sounds familiar? Yes – Clichés from Indian soaps (well….actually any genre of video media). The iconic aphorisms created by the immensely talented writers/screenwriters/producers/spot boys who caused a revolution in our drawing rooms. These gifted scribblers discovered an inexhaustible source of permutations and combinations from the mistress-illegitimate child-amnesia-rape-death-rebirth -amnesia-vamp-seduction-amnesia warehouse. These penny for a page auteurs invented cheap plots, cheaper productions and cheapest camera tricks which would put the makers of Zee Horror Show to shame. They fathered ‘The Great Indian Soap Opera’- that dominates the prime time entertainment today (except maybe for the tearfests they call the talent shows).

Now, one cannot blame them for copying the Mexican, American or even Srilankan soaps. They never planned to reinvent the wheel, did they? They were simply ‘inspired’ by All My Children (an American daily soap which is still running from 1970). They thought that Santa Barbara is like any Ghar Ki kahani. They tapped on Ugly Betty and made her the ugly beti (Jassi Jasi koi…) – another one inspired from the Columbian soap Betty la fea.

Why am I writing this? Well- I’m a huge fan of western TV shows. Not the soaps, mind you. Entourage, True Blood, Arrested development, Six Feet Under, Scrubs,Coupling, Yes Minister, Dexter, Californication, Burn Notice are only a few of the shows that I follow. And every time I finish watching an episode I mentally recite the ‘what if this could happen in India’ prayer. It used to-once upon a time. Indian television has seen better days than today. It was never the reign of these prevailing orgies of bahus and their presumably badass saases.

Good ol’ doordarshan had shows like Circus, Malgudi Days, Mungerilal Ke Haseen Sapne, Nukkad, Dekh Bhai Dekh. These shows had a more creative appeal to them. They churned out a lot of talent in the form of directors- Saeed Mirza or Anurag Kashyap are prime examples of film makers who started with TV. But these shows were not soap operas. They were more real. They didn’t have the men eating dinners in three piece suits or the women dressed for Diwali while sipping the morning tea. I could identify with these shows.

A look at the TV guide today, was a real treat. These writers have brought the hyphen ‘-’ in the TV shows. A few years ago these used to adorn the films like Daag-The Fire or Dushman-The Enemy. The scribblers are now showing off their prowess over punctuation by creating names like-
Aathvaan Vachan….Saath Vachano Se Badhkar, Ek Safar Aisa…Kabhi Socha Na Tha, Jeevan Saathi-Hum Safar Zindagi Ke, Balika Vadhu-Kacchi Umar Ke Pakke Raste or Agle Janam Mohe Betiya Hi Kijo (wtf !)

**shiver**

As a part of my ‘research’ for writing this hate blog I managed to sit through a show for an entire minute. After that I couldn’t. I physically couldn’t. I actually felt like throwing up. The scene which was thrown at me was supposed to tell me how a particular phone call was attended in the house by someone who was not supposed to. The character who unwittingly attends the call becomes aware of an evil scheme. After the call ends the actor all of a sudden starts talking to himself. Now don’t get me wrong here- soliloquy is a method of acting used by Shakespearean actors, but no- this guy starts walking into the camera as if he’s angry at the spot boy behind the camera and then continues to talk at the wall behind the camera! He then makes a face as if he stepped on his own or someone else’s morning glory. What the hell man! Who does that!?! Do you talk over your shoulder to your father or mother? Does your family stand in a line in the drawing room while talking? Do you sweat every time you hear something you don’t want to?

The thing is-they conceived it to entertain an audience that doesn’t mind if it is treated as morons. Giving the audience the credit for its intelligence (or the lack of) is bad for business. Ekta Kapoor, the fairy godmother for bad actors-who have a penchant for bad acting, does this in a rather emphatic fashion. And these actors have their faces stapled to my newspaper copy telling me how a certain soap actor invokes pain in a scene by recalling how he broke his wrist when he was three.

I hear one of the cable networks is giving Hi-Def service. What the hell will you watch in HD? The gory details of a vamps makeup? The transformation of a hospital wing to the drawing room of Singhania family in consecutive scenes? The tears of a talent show contestant? I don’t think so.

I long for the day when the Indian TV shows will make sense. May be that day we’ll see pigs handglide.

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A Bullet from my Valentine

It’s not easy to get a girlfriend in Bangalore. It’s even harder to keep one.

She used to work in my office. To put it in a better way-we worked together. She was a developer and I a coder. She was funny, sexy, cool, and confident and I was not. She was on her way up and me-lets just say I wasn’t.

When she agreed to go out with me, everybody showed genuine disbelief. Myself included. I just stood there with a loss of words and came up with something silly like, ‘Cool!’. She had giggled. They always do. But then I made what I call a super awesome comeback and made her giggle a little more and fixed up a date. And that was that.

‘She’s using you man!’, Wilfred had told me when I had broken the news to him. He sat next to me in the office. He loved football and loved Amisha Patel even more. He had an opinion about everybody and everything. He was a gossip queen. And also he lied a lot. “No she’s not. And even if she is, I don’t care”, I had replied with all the annoyance I could summon in two seconds.

But seriously I didn’t care. I really didn’t. Her ex was a finance guy who worked on the seventh floor and had an MBA degree from a shady institute whose name sounded like Sunny or Happy or something cornier. He liberally used double entendre right from the cafeteria to the boardroom. But the guy apparently had a way with numbers and the guys on the tenth floor were happy about it. ‘Mr. Bottomline’ as he was affectionately called by the female staff, had relentless pursued her and she had relented. But they had broken up in six months. Apparently someone from HR too, had relented-much later than her. I knew this because Wilfred knew this. And Wilfred knew everything.

Our first date was like most first dates-uncomfortable, tense and at times embarrassing. For me it was all three. But she didn’t mind. She gave me a two out of five and asked me to promise her that the next one would be better. And I did. And it was. A Shahrukh Khan movie, a stroll in the mall and a dinner in a Punjabi restaurant. Safe. I was in and she was too.

She liked Sidney Sheldon, SRK, Priyanka Chopra and Backsteet Boys. She thought Metallica was a girl. ‘Is she like Madonna?’ she had enquired. Her favourite movie was Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. She liked Forum better than Garuda Mall-‘Its just better’, she had observed. She used words like ‘anyways’ and ‘precisely’ all the time. She always wore a watch on the right hand. She said that she liked me a lot. I believed her.

‘She’s still using you man. She’s gonna go back to whatshisname’, Wilfred had repeated after I had told him that I was planning an expensive date on Valentines Day. He also informed me that Mr. Bottomline had saved the company like a zillion dollars and avoided a major lay-off. The guys on the tenth floor were planning to move him to the eighth. It was that or an extended stay in Europe. That bastard. She really hated him. She always let me know how much she hated him. It was kinda amusing. I used to come up with really funny jokes about him. Funnily, she didn’t find them funny.

‘No she’s not. She told me she was over him on our last date. And besides, why would she care if he’s headed off to Europe. He’s stupid. She told me that. Mr. Bottomline- I wonder why they call him that’

Today morning I woke up with a smile on my face. It was the first time that had happened. I actually had a date on Yash Chopra’s favourite day. I had it all figured out. Right to the minutest detail. I was gonna buy 23 roses- one for each time she had gone out with the formerly worlds-most-eligible-loser. Then I was gonna take her to an expensive restaurant in Indiranagar. It was gonna be perfect.

I had managed to get real Swiss chocolates from a guy I knew in finance. She loved Swiss chocolates. She had told me that. I had bought a new shirt for the date. I did buy 23 roses. Man they were expensive! I even bought a huge bouquet just in case.

She lived in Kormangala. I was supposed to pick her up. It was tricky to make my way through the traffic not messing up the bouquet. Many people offered expletives in Kannada. I returned the favour in Marathi. Couples were already getting comfortable. Not too comfortable though. Some outfits were calling on them in the Lord’s name.

I made it in time to her place. She lived in an apartment complex. Romeos with half of southern India’s flowers were already there picking up there respective Juliets. Understandably there was a rush at the elevator. I resisted the urge to take the stairs. A sweaty and panting version of me wouldn’t exactly be a welcome sight. So I stayed in the queue for the elevator with a dozen other thoughtful individuals. I fought with a guy who had a smaller bouquet than mine. I won.

The elevator was small and stuffy. All the guys were reeking with the Axes and Zataks and Bruts. I felt like throwing up. I made a funny expression at the guy next to me who responded by finding something interesting in the elevator safety manual. Slowly I made it to her floor.

As I got out of the elevator I made my way through the hallway, trying to figure out where to go. For a moment I forgot her surname. Then I remembered. I headed to her apartment. Apartment B-23-C.

She was already at the door. She looked stunning. She was wearing a Punjabi dress for the first time since we had started going out. I had not expected that. Her hair was not tied up. That was a first too. She was wearing pretty earrings. My girlfriend looked beautiful.

She had another bouquet at her feet. It was way bigger than mine. She had a smile on her face that I had never seen before. With her head resting gently on his chest and her hand resting firmly on his bottom, Mr. Bottomline was giving himself the high five and punching the air.

Mr. Bottomline – I get the name now.

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Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part II – The Interwhy

Candidate: May I come in Sir?

Interviewer: Yes. Please Mr.….?

Candidate: Bhave. Adbhut Bhave.

Interviewer: Yes Mr. Bhave. Please take a seat. I am Sanjeev Pinto.

Candidate: (seated)

Interviewer: So, Mr. Bhave, as I understand you are here for the interview.

Candidate: That is correct Sir.

Interviewer: Well guess what? I am here for the interview too!

(silence)

Candidate: (delayed forced laughter)

Interviewer: (acknowledging) I see you are wearing an orange T-shirt to an interview. Do you think it is appropriate?

Candidate: Sir the red one was wet.

Interviewer: I see. (hint of surprise) Before we proceed I’d like to inform you that I’ll be taking your technical, personal and HR interview.

Candidate: Right Sir.

Interviewer: To begin with, tell me something about yourself Adbhut.

Candidate: Yes Sir. I am 20 years old. I am currently doing my 3rd year in Chemical Engineering from VIT, Pune. Pune is my hometown. I love Pune. I like watching movies, listening to music and studying….

Interviewer: You like to study? (going through the mark sheets)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Oh…I see. Please continue.

Candidate: I like traveling; I like cycling, playing tabla, watching movies…music……movies.

Interviewer: That’s good. I guess you watch a lot of movies.

Candidate: I do Sir!

Interviewer: So, what is your favourite subject?

Candidate: I like drama mostly. I’m a big fan of Sam Mendes, Innaritu, Guillermo del Toro. I hate the Yash Chopra tearjerkers.

Interviewer: I was asking about studies.

Candidate: Oh! Yes. I like Math, Chemistry. I love Fluid Dynamics a lot.

Interviewer: I see. Haven’t you flunked in all of them?

Candidate: Not all Sir! Fluid Mechanics is still in revaluation.

Interviewer: Why do you love FM so much?

Candidate: I love fluids Sir. A lot. Tea, coffee, water, Coke, beer….

Interviewer: I see. Since you like the subject so much, would you mind if I ask you a couple of questions on the it?

Candidate: No Sir. Not at all.

Interviewer: What is ‘The Bernoulli Principle’?

Candidate: Sir the Bernoulli Principle states that if the lead actor in a movie is above fifty-five years of age, the lead actress should be less than half of that for the film to succeed at the box office.

Interviewer: What?

Candidate: The Bernoulli Principle Sir. Christoph Bernoulli. The famous German screenwriter.

Interviewer: My question was related to Chemical Engineering Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! That one….it has something to do with water, two drums and a pipe, Sir.

Interviewer: You don’t know The Bernoulli Principle?

Candidate: I do know it Sir. Just not well enough to put it in words.

Interviewer: What is the unit of viscosity?

Candidate: I definitely don’t know that one Sir.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling on paper) What was the other subject you liked? Chemistry was it?

Candidate: Yes Sir. I like it a lot.

Interviewer: What is the fifth element?

Candidate: The Fifth Element is a sci-fi romantic thriller starring Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich in the lead roles. Although the movie was a top grosser it was highly criticized. The Bernoulli Principle is not applicable to this film Sir. Bruce Willis was underage.

Interviewer: I was talking about the periodic table Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! Hydrogen, Helium, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Sodium…..Sodium Sir!

Interviewer: I see. Which are the heavy metals?

Candidate: Black Sabbath and Metallica. Period.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling away) Now, we’ll proceed with the PI and HR Interview.

Candidate: Ok Sir.

Interviewer: What are your expectations from InfySOS?

Candidate: Well….I believe that my job with InfySOS should be a welcome experience. I really want to work for a company as great as yours.

Interviewer: Wow that is a good answer. What according to you is your greatest strength?

Candidate: I can down three pints of beer in less than two minutes.

Interviewer: What? No…I mean work wise.

Candidate: Oh!..Sorry Sir! My greatest strength would be C programming.

Interviewer: Well that is good. I see you have certificates to prove it (going through them)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Now, consider this situation- Your friend is in love with a girl who lets say is rather promiscuous. And he intends to marry her. What will you do? Will you make your friend realize her flaws?

Candidate: Mmmm…..Sir is the lady in question very pretty?

Interviewer: What !?..Why?

Candidate: No Sir….If she is not that hot-I mean pretty, then I can show him an even hotter-I mean prettier girl, and make him fall in love with her.

Interviewer: Yes she is hot-I mean pretty.

Candidate: Then Mmmm….Sir, is she related to any of our other friends?

Interviewer: Why?

Candidate: Then the situation would be really complicated, Sir.

Interviewer: NO.

Candidate: In that case I’ll directly go to her and ask her to back off.

Interviewer: Ok. That’s mighty thoughtful of you. Well…..that I think concludes the interview. Do you have any questions for me? (scribbling)

Candidate: Yes Sir. I do. In the company’s name of InfySOS, SOS stands for ‘Save Our Souls’ right? The other guys were kinda arguing about it.

Interviewer: (stops scribbling) No Mr. Bhave. It stands for Software Outsourcing Solutions.

Candidate: Oh Ok. I did feel one of the S’s stood for software.

Interviewer: Well…..It was nice meeting you Mr. Bhave. (shaking hands) The results will be out in an hour.

Candidate: Sir, if I may ask, what are the chances of me getting this job?

Interviewer: I would say the chances are good Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Really?!?

Interviewer: Nah….Just Kidding…..Please close the door behind you.

(A follow-up to Part I)

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Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part I – Shove me the Money

It: Welcome to CBSH. If you think you can speak in English Press ‘1’. If you are not sure then Press ‘2’. If you are sure that you cant, then press any of the other numbers.

Me: (press 1).

It: If you are a victim of our credit card franchise Press ‘1’. If you are a victim of our banking franchise Press ‘2’.If you want to learn about our other schemes Press ‘3’. If you want to know whether you are a victim yet (status enquiry) Press ‘4’.

Me: (press 1)

It: If you are still having fun then Press ‘1’. If you are slightly bored then Press ‘2’. If you are really bored then Press ‘3’. If you are really really bored then Press ‘9’ to talk to one of our helpline executives.

Me: (press 9).

Please wait till I transfer your call to….

It: Hello Sir. My name is Sivanna. How may I assist you?

Me: Yes. I made my credit card payment on time,  still you guys charged a late fee for it.

It: Ok Sir, before we proceed, may I have your Credit card number.

Me: Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.

It: I’ll reepeet Sir- XXXA XXXB XXXC XXXX.

Me: No! Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.

It: Yes Sir. Sorry for that Sir. Am I talking to Mr. Sankeeeet Kulkarni?

Me: Yes you are.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet before we proceed I’ll just do a security check.

Me: Ok.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your date of birth.

Me: 12/12/1985

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your baniyan size.

Me: 95.

It: Are you sure Mr. Sankeeeet? Because our database entry does not match that.

Me: What? Then what size matches with your database entry.

It: I’m sorry Mr. Sankeeeet, but I’m not at the liberty to tell that.

Me: Try 90.

It: Yes that is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now could you tell me your neighbours’ maiden name?

Me: Which one?

It: Which what Mr. Sankeeeet ?

Me: I have four neighbours.

It: Any name will do Mr. Sankeeeet. We have all their names.

Me: How about Mrs Kadambari Shete?

It: That’s correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now, when did you pay your bill Sir?

Me: I paid my January’s bill seven days in advance.

It: (Delayed reply) Yes Sir,  your January’s bill was Rs 666.

Me: I know that! I paid the bill.

It: I am glad to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Why the hell am I being charged a late fee?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to my colleague in Billing.

Me: Then who are yo……

(A musical busy tone which will make Mozart shoot Beethoven before hanging himself )

It: Thank you for waiting Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Namiththa. How can I help you?

Me: I don’t know. How can you help me?

It: Hello?

Me: Yes. I was enquiring about an unjust late fee charged by you guys.

It: Ok Sir. Before we proceed I will require the complaint number Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: What complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet a complaint number is required to raise this issue with the billing department.

Me: Then what department do you work in?

It: I work in the Billing Complaints department.

Me: Then give me a complaint number.

It: Mr. Sankeeeet you don’t have the complaint number yet?

Me: No.

It: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet, but you will have to call the Complaints Department to get a complaint number.

Me: So I have to complain to get a complaint number.

It: Exactly Sir! I mean you have to follow the regular work procedure.

Me: Why can’t you give me a complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet because the Billing Complaints Department deals with billing complaints while Complaints department deals with complaints in billing.

Me: How are they different?

It: What?

Me: Never mind. So how do I get the number?

It: Please hold the line till I transfer your call to Complaints Section.

Me: Wait a sec…….

(I wish I was Mozart)

It: Thank you for holding the line Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Anand. How can I help you?

Me: Why thank God you asked me! I needed a complaint number.

It: Most certainly Mr. Sankeeeet. But before we proceed I will have to do a security check.

.


.

.

.

It: Mrs Kadambari Shete is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Well, I paid my January bill seven days in advance. Which clearly was a mistake. And I was punished for it. Then I made another mistake today by calling you guys. So I really have no idea how you can help me.

It:

Me: Hello?

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. I was just entering your complaint.

Me: I need a complaint number.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. Your complaint number is IM2STUPID4U. Please write that down.

Me: I am too stupid for you?

It: That is correct Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: Now what do I do with it?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to Billing Complaints.

Me: I’ll be glad too…..

 

 


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