Tag Archives: Conversation

Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part II – The Interwhy

Candidate: May I come in Sir?

Interviewer: Yes. Please Mr.….?

Candidate: Bhave. Adbhut Bhave.

Interviewer: Yes Mr. Bhave. Please take a seat. I am Sanjeev Pinto.

Candidate: (seated)

Interviewer: So, Mr. Bhave, as I understand you are here for the interview.

Candidate: That is correct Sir.

Interviewer: Well guess what? I am here for the interview too!

(silence)

Candidate: (delayed forced laughter)

Interviewer: (acknowledging) I see you are wearing an orange T-shirt to an interview. Do you think it is appropriate?

Candidate: Sir the red one was wet.

Interviewer: I see. (hint of surprise) Before we proceed I’d like to inform you that I’ll be taking your technical, personal and HR interview.

Candidate: Right Sir.

Interviewer: To begin with, tell me something about yourself Adbhut.

Candidate: Yes Sir. I am 20 years old. I am currently doing my 3rd year in Chemical Engineering from VIT, Pune. Pune is my hometown. I love Pune. I like watching movies, listening to music and studying….

Interviewer: You like to study? (going through the mark sheets)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Oh…I see. Please continue.

Candidate: I like traveling; I like cycling, playing tabla, watching movies…music……movies.

Interviewer: That’s good. I guess you watch a lot of movies.

Candidate: I do Sir!

Interviewer: So, what is your favourite subject?

Candidate: I like drama mostly. I’m a big fan of Sam Mendes, Innaritu, Guillermo del Toro. I hate the Yash Chopra tearjerkers.

Interviewer: I was asking about studies.

Candidate: Oh! Yes. I like Math, Chemistry. I love Fluid Dynamics a lot.

Interviewer: I see. Haven’t you flunked in all of them?

Candidate: Not all Sir! Fluid Mechanics is still in revaluation.

Interviewer: Why do you love FM so much?

Candidate: I love fluids Sir. A lot. Tea, coffee, water, Coke, beer….

Interviewer: I see. Since you like the subject so much, would you mind if I ask you a couple of questions on the it?

Candidate: No Sir. Not at all.

Interviewer: What is ‘The Bernoulli Principle’?

Candidate: Sir the Bernoulli Principle states that if the lead actor in a movie is above fifty-five years of age, the lead actress should be less than half of that for the film to succeed at the box office.

Interviewer: What?

Candidate: The Bernoulli Principle Sir. Christoph Bernoulli. The famous German screenwriter.

Interviewer: My question was related to Chemical Engineering Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! That one….it has something to do with water, two drums and a pipe, Sir.

Interviewer: You don’t know The Bernoulli Principle?

Candidate: I do know it Sir. Just not well enough to put it in words.

Interviewer: What is the unit of viscosity?

Candidate: I definitely don’t know that one Sir.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling on paper) What was the other subject you liked? Chemistry was it?

Candidate: Yes Sir. I like it a lot.

Interviewer: What is the fifth element?

Candidate: The Fifth Element is a sci-fi romantic thriller starring Bruce Willis and Milla Jovovich in the lead roles. Although the movie was a top grosser it was highly criticized. The Bernoulli Principle is not applicable to this film Sir. Bruce Willis was underage.

Interviewer: I was talking about the periodic table Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Oh! Hydrogen, Helium, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Sodium…..Sodium Sir!

Interviewer: I see. Which are the heavy metals?

Candidate: Black Sabbath and Metallica. Period.

Interviewer: I see (scribbling away) Now, we’ll proceed with the PI and HR Interview.

Candidate: Ok Sir.

Interviewer: What are your expectations from InfySOS?

Candidate: Well….I believe that my job with InfySOS should be a welcome experience. I really want to work for a company as great as yours.

Interviewer: Wow that is a good answer. What according to you is your greatest strength?

Candidate: I can down three pints of beer in less than two minutes.

Interviewer: What? No…I mean work wise.

Candidate: Oh!..Sorry Sir! My greatest strength would be C programming.

Interviewer: Well that is good. I see you have certificates to prove it (going through them)

Candidate: Yes Sir.

Interviewer: Now, consider this situation- Your friend is in love with a girl who lets say is rather promiscuous. And he intends to marry her. What will you do? Will you make your friend realize her flaws?

Candidate: Mmmm…..Sir is the lady in question very pretty?

Interviewer: What !?..Why?

Candidate: No Sir….If she is not that hot-I mean pretty, then I can show him an even hotter-I mean prettier girl, and make him fall in love with her.

Interviewer: Yes she is hot-I mean pretty.

Candidate: Then Mmmm….Sir, is she related to any of our other friends?

Interviewer: Why?

Candidate: Then the situation would be really complicated, Sir.

Interviewer: NO.

Candidate: In that case I’ll directly go to her and ask her to back off.

Interviewer: Ok. That’s mighty thoughtful of you. Well…..that I think concludes the interview. Do you have any questions for me? (scribbling)

Candidate: Yes Sir. I do. In the company’s name of InfySOS, SOS stands for ‘Save Our Souls’ right? The other guys were kinda arguing about it.

Interviewer: (stops scribbling) No Mr. Bhave. It stands for Software Outsourcing Solutions.

Candidate: Oh Ok. I did feel one of the S’s stood for software.

Interviewer: Well…..It was nice meeting you Mr. Bhave. (shaking hands) The results will be out in an hour.

Candidate: Sir, if I may ask, what are the chances of me getting this job?

Interviewer: I would say the chances are good Mr. Bhave.

Candidate: Really?!?

Interviewer: Nah….Just Kidding…..Please close the door behind you.

(A follow-up to Part I)

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Close Conversations of the Third Kind: Part I – Shove me the Money

It: Welcome to CBSH. If you think you can speak in English Press ‘1’. If you are not sure then Press ‘2’. If you are sure that you cant, then press any of the other numbers.

Me: (press 1).

It: If you are a victim of our credit card franchise Press ‘1’. If you are a victim of our banking franchise Press ‘2’.If you want to learn about our other schemes Press ‘3’. If you want to know whether you are a victim yet (status enquiry) Press ‘4’.

Me: (press 1)

It: If you are still having fun then Press ‘1’. If you are slightly bored then Press ‘2’. If you are really bored then Press ‘3’. If you are really really bored then Press ‘9’ to talk to one of our helpline executives.

Me: (press 9).

Please wait till I transfer your call to….

It: Hello Sir. My name is Sivanna. How may I assist you?

Me: Yes. I made my credit card payment on time,  still you guys charged a late fee for it.

It: Ok Sir, before we proceed, may I have your Credit card number.

Me: Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.

It: I’ll reepeet Sir- XXXA XXXB XXXC XXXX.

Me: No! Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.

It: Yes Sir. Sorry for that Sir. Am I talking to Mr. Sankeeeet Kulkarni?

Me: Yes you are.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet before we proceed I’ll just do a security check.

Me: Ok.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your date of birth.

Me: 12/12/1985

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your baniyan size.

Me: 95.

It: Are you sure Mr. Sankeeeet? Because our database entry does not match that.

Me: What? Then what size matches with your database entry.

It: I’m sorry Mr. Sankeeeet, but I’m not at the liberty to tell that.

Me: Try 90.

It: Yes that is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now could you tell me your neighbours’ maiden name?

Me: Which one?

It: Which what Mr. Sankeeeet ?

Me: I have four neighbours.

It: Any name will do Mr. Sankeeeet. We have all their names.

Me: How about Mrs Kadambari Shete?

It: That’s correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now, when did you pay your bill Sir?

Me: I paid my January’s bill seven days in advance.

It: (Delayed reply) Yes Sir,  your January’s bill was Rs 666.

Me: I know that! I paid the bill.

It: I am glad to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Why the hell am I being charged a late fee?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to my colleague in Billing.

Me: Then who are yo……

(A musical busy tone which will make Mozart shoot Beethoven before hanging himself )

It: Thank you for waiting Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Namiththa. How can I help you?

Me: I don’t know. How can you help me?

It: Hello?

Me: Yes. I was enquiring about an unjust late fee charged by you guys.

It: Ok Sir. Before we proceed I will require the complaint number Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: What complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet a complaint number is required to raise this issue with the billing department.

Me: Then what department do you work in?

It: I work in the Billing Complaints department.

Me: Then give me a complaint number.

It: Mr. Sankeeeet you don’t have the complaint number yet?

Me: No.

It: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet, but you will have to call the Complaints Department to get a complaint number.

Me: So I have to complain to get a complaint number.

It: Exactly Sir! I mean you have to follow the regular work procedure.

Me: Why can’t you give me a complaint number?

It: Mr. Sankeeeet because the Billing Complaints Department deals with billing complaints while Complaints department deals with complaints in billing.

Me: How are they different?

It: What?

Me: Never mind. So how do I get the number?

It: Please hold the line till I transfer your call to Complaints Section.

Me: Wait a sec…….

(I wish I was Mozart)

It: Thank you for holding the line Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Anand. How can I help you?

Me: Why thank God you asked me! I needed a complaint number.

It: Most certainly Mr. Sankeeeet. But before we proceed I will have to do a security check.

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.

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It: Mrs Kadambari Shete is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?

Me: Well, I paid my January bill seven days in advance. Which clearly was a mistake. And I was punished for it. Then I made another mistake today by calling you guys. So I really have no idea how you can help me.

It:

Me: Hello?

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. I was just entering your complaint.

Me: I need a complaint number.

It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. Your complaint number is IM2STUPID4U. Please write that down.

Me: I am too stupid for you?

It: That is correct Mr. Sankeeeet.

Me: Now what do I do with it?

It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to Billing Complaints.

Me: I’ll be glad too…..

 

 


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