It: Welcome to CBSH. If you think you can speak in English Press ‘1’. If you are not sure then Press ‘2’. If you are sure that you cant, then press any of the other numbers.
Me: (press 1).
It: If you are a victim of our credit card franchise Press ‘1’. If you are a victim of our banking franchise Press ‘2’.If you want to learn about our other schemes Press ‘3’. If you want to know whether you are a victim yet (status enquiry) Press ‘4’.
Me: (press 1)
It: If you are still having fun then Press ‘1’. If you are slightly bored then Press ‘2’. If you are really bored then Press ‘3’. If you are really really bored then Press ‘9’ to talk to one of our helpline executives.
Me: (press 9).
Please wait till I transfer your call to….
It: Hello Sir. My name is Sivanna. How may I assist you?
Me: Yes. I made my credit card payment on time, still you guys charged a late fee for it.
It: Ok Sir, before we proceed, may I have your Credit card number.
Me: Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.
It: I’ll reepeet Sir- XXXA XXXB XXXC XXXX.
Me: No! Its XXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX.
It: Yes Sir. Sorry for that Sir. Am I talking to Mr. Sankeeeet Kulkarni?
Me: Yes you are.
It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet before we proceed I’ll just do a security check.
It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your date of birth.
It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet can you please confirm your baniyan size.
It: Are you sure Mr. Sankeeeet? Because our database entry does not match that.
Me: What? Then what size matches with your database entry.
It: I’m sorry Mr. Sankeeeet, but I’m not at the liberty to tell that.
Me: Try 90.
It: Yes that is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now could you tell me your neighbours’ maiden name?
Me: Which one?
It: Which what Mr. Sankeeeet ?
Me: I have four neighbours.
It: Any name will do Mr. Sankeeeet. We have all their names.
Me: How about Mrs Kadambari Shete?
It: That’s correct Mr. Sankeeeet. Now, when did you pay your bill Sir?
Me: I paid my January’s bill seven days in advance.
It: (Delayed reply) Yes Sir, your January’s bill was Rs 666.
Me: I know that! I paid the bill.
It: I am glad to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?
Me: Why the hell am I being charged a late fee?
It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to my colleague in Billing.
Me: Then who are yo……
(A musical busy tone which will make Mozart shoot Beethoven before hanging himself )
It: Thank you for waiting Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Namiththa. How can I help you?
Me: I don’t know. How can you help me?
Me: Yes. I was enquiring about an unjust late fee charged by you guys.
It: Ok Sir. Before we proceed I will require the complaint number Mr. Sankeeeet.
Me: What complaint number?
It: Mr. Sankeeeet a complaint number is required to raise this issue with the billing department.
Me: Then what department do you work in?
It: I work in the Billing Complaints department.
Me: Then give me a complaint number.
It: Mr. Sankeeeet you don’t have the complaint number yet?
It: I’m sorry to hear that Mr. Sankeeeet, but you will have to call the Complaints Department to get a complaint number.
Me: So I have to complain to get a complaint number.
It: Exactly Sir! I mean you have to follow the regular work procedure.
Me: Why can’t you give me a complaint number?
It: Mr. Sankeeeet because the Billing Complaints Department deals with billing complaints while Complaints department deals with complaints in billing.
Me: How are they different?
Me: Never mind. So how do I get the number?
It: Please hold the line till I transfer your call to Complaints Section.
Me: Wait a sec…….
(I wish I was Mozart)
It: Thank you for holding the line Mr. Sankeeeet. I am Anand. How can I help you?
Me: Why thank God you asked me! I needed a complaint number.
It: Most certainly Mr. Sankeeeet. But before we proceed I will have to do a security check.
It: Mrs Kadambari Shete is correct Mr. Sankeeeet. So how can I help you?
Me: Well, I paid my January bill seven days in advance. Which clearly was a mistake. And I was punished for it. Then I made another mistake today by calling you guys. So I really have no idea how you can help me.
It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. I was just entering your complaint.
Me: I need a complaint number.
It: Yes Mr. Sankeeeet. Your complaint number is IM2STUPID4U. Please write that down.
Me: I am too stupid for you?
It: That is correct Mr. Sankeeeet.
Me: Now what do I do with it?
It: Please hold the line Mr. Sankeeeet till I transfer the call to Billing Complaints.
Me: I’ll be glad too…..